nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
They are going to name an STD after you.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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