I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
high people should be assigned attendants
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
