My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
