i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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