If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
