mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
