Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
