Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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