yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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