the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
