Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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