I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
