Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Sorry my hands just texted you
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
