so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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