stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
