Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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