There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
