ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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