just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
