Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
