Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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