My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
