drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
