Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
