never play flip cup with pint glasses
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
