I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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