enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
