I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
