I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
