my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
