I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
