True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
