Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
