My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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