Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
