Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
