Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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