Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
