Only a mothe r could love this liver
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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