connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
