So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
you had me at cake vodka
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
