I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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