sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
