I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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