allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
