is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
