these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I supernannyed him into submission
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
