If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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