She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
