Joe is yelling at the trees again.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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