i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
